I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
