I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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