so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
