Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
