May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
