Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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