Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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