So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
