Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
