You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
