My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
