My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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