I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
