apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
