I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Send help, water and tortillas.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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