hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
