I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Mom said you looked used
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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