I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
