You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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