you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
