I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
