You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
