Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
