I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
