i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We're too hungover to prance.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
