I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
