The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
