I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
