Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
