just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
