just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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