3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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