I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
