just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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