I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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