I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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