My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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