I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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