I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I am one with the molecules
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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