we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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