ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
