My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
