My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
