Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
