I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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