remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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