Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
