I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
