sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
