my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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