shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
