1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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