I'm so fucking centered right now
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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