there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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