Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
