you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
