Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
