I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
