i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
