Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
