I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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