I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
